Sunday, September 12, 2010

Goldilocks and the Bears are a Bunch of Liars

Lately my 4-year-old has been asking me to read stories "the kind that aren't in a book." Which means he wants me to tell him a fairy tale. Good thing I went through a Brother's Grimm stage when I was young. Also, good thing I can edit out the nightmare inducing parts. I mean have you ever read the original fairy tales? Gruesome doesn't even begin to describe them.

But I digress. I meant to tell you my epiphany after a rather riveting rendition of Goldilocks and the Three Bears the other day.

"This story is in no way based in reality!"

Aren't you shocked by my insightfulness? You might think the talking bears living in a nice forest cottage gave it away. Or perhaps the adorable blond criminal smart enough to break into a house but stupid enough to only steal porridge then take a nap.  At the very least that Goldilocks was quick enough to escape three angry bears and strong enough to survive a two story drop out a window. 

No, it was much more obvious a tip off. Goldilocks finds Baby Bear's porridge/chair/bed most inviting. No way! It is a universal law of motherhood that all children are irresistibly drawn to the possessions of the mother.

CASE #1
If given three bowls of porridge, no matter how wonderfully spiced and temperatured the other two are, everyone will want the mother's portion. At my home I could make everyone a gourmet meal specifically tailored to their likes and, as soon as I sit down with my peanut butter sandwich, everyone will want said sandwich. (Everyone who knows me knows this is completely hypothetical as "gourmet meal" and "specifically tailored" are not in my repertoire of cooking skills.)

CASE #2:
Look at the chairs, too. Is there a favorite Mother spot that isn't instantly coveted by every member of the household? Even if it is the bathroom? Totally unrealistic that Goldilocks would find Baby Bear's chair "Just right."

CASE #3:
The only believable part of the story is the chosen bed. I think it is clear that the "just right" bed would be the one most recently washed and made by Mother Bear. That could easily be any of the three beds.

CONCLUSION:
So why is this story propagated? One might think it is to teach proper behavior for visiting or some other rot, but I think it is lying propaganda made to trick mothers into thinking they can own something and people will actually leave it alone. Don't be taken in by this trickery. It is your bowl that will be empty, your chair broken, your housework undone. The guilty party won't even bother to jump out the window when they're done.

Now, to calm your sensitivities, Matthew likes to retell the stories immediately after I tell them. He thinks it's funny to change around the details, and I have to agree with him:





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27 comments:

  1. I always love a good story about lockers!

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  3. Amen, sistah! AMEN!

    Love the video clip!

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  4. Hilarious! I didn't realize this was true about food until my second child - who insisted the other day that my pad thai was more appetizing than her chicken nuggets and fries. Makes me want to tell a story with huge arm gestures too!

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  5. I've just always wondered why Mama and Papa bear had separate beds...

    Of course, I asked that once in a college class where we were diagramming sentences from the story... and got a steely cold look from the teacher. No sense of humor, that one.

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  6. Food for thought. I wonder what other conspiracy stories there are in fairy tails... Matthew is adorable!

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  7. AMEN!!! You said it sister!

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  8. I totally agree! This is awesome. As I type this I currently have two people trying to sit on my lap.

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  9. I was grateful for the educatioin on boogers and good thing to know that you have to be 12 to go to BYU football!! That was hilarious. What a sweet boy.

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  10. That video is so cute!

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  11. How true it is! Someday I dream of having something, anything, that belongs just to me!

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  12. Is he too cute? Did he say, "Once upon a bear?" :) Aw!

    And you're correct, Charlotte! Although maybe it's a good thing. My kids will eat just about anything BECAUSE they only want to eat what I'm eating (read: sushi, boca burgers, spinach patties, etc.) This is a good thing for them. Not so good for me, though!

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  13. You are just so smart! The brothers Grimm, or Hans Christian totally had it wrong.

    Thanks for the laugh!

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  14. bwhahahaha... Just what I needed after a long day. Thank you to you and your rather adorable kiddo.

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  15. I love your take on this story! Mom always wins the popularity contest (unless maybe you only have teenagers...). Loved that retelling, too!! :)

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  16. LOL. There is an equally immutable law, though, that says that a child's desire to share food with it's father is related directly to the father's desire not to share. The more father wants to eat it, the more child wants to share.

    I did my master's thesis on 43something fairy tales. Yeah, they left me scarred for life pretty much. Wild stuff!

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  17. Okay he is too cute. He can tell be a bedtime story anytime.

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  18. "and then they drank hot chocolate!" who would have ever guessed!

    this video is so cute, it totally made me smile despite being sick the past 2 days.

    ~Megan

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  19. Oh how I wish I could spend more time with your kids. He is so stinkin cute. One just wants to give his a big hug. Love that video.

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  20. I just told Ben about this--when he witnessed what happened as I sat down to eat a bowl of cereal and both the kids crawled to my feet and started crying like I had starved them all morning. Really, when mom eats everyone eats.

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  21. So true about the food... LOL

    I think the Brothers Grimm were off their baby-bear sized rockers!

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  22. I have never even thought about that before! The mothers are always the ones who get the raw end of the deal, & this story is definitely all about that! Thank you for bringing it to my attention & making sure that I never read any of these stories without my eyes wide open.

    p.s. i have come by several times, & tried to view the retelling. it keeps telling me there's an error and to come back, so, when i finally get to see it, i will leave yet another comment of novel length!

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  23. Bwah! YES! It's a LIE! All fairy tales are twisted, but this one takes the cake...

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  24. Yes! It's a lie! It's ALL a lie! And Matthew is ADORABLE!

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  25. "It is a universal law of motherhood that all children are irresistibly drawn to the possessions of the mother."

    Absolutely true. And when mothers are smart, they make that work FOR them, rather than against them. (Think "rewards.")

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  26. So funny, I love Mom stories. This post inspired me to tell a little story of my own to Mia the other night at bedtime. I told her my own version of Goldilocks where we highlighted the fact that Goldilocks was a selfish, disobedient little girl that was almost eaten by ravenous bears because she didn't listen to her Mother.

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  27. He is such a cutie! That story had a bunch of Dallin's favorite things. Chocolate Milk, Bears, Boogies. He loved watching it.

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