Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Unrequited Friendship

I thought I had a pleasant circle of friends. We saw each other several times a month and I liked and respected them. They had young children like I did, and we had similar interests, struggles, dreams, and ideas. I knew they, like myself, were trying to be the best they could. Then one day, through an inadvertant mention in an unrelated group email, I found they had a monthly girls' night doing a hobby we all enjoyed. Without getting too bogged in details, there was no possibility I had been overlooked (I had even mentioned a few times that such a night would be fun, but everyone always seemed strangely disinterested); I'd been deliberately not invited. In fact, obvious effort must have been made to not mention this group in front of me. For whatever reason, my presence was undesirable.

It didn't help that not long after, I was given a Christmas letter from one of the women where she went on about several large parties she had thrown throughout the year where she and her husband had invited ALL their friends. I've never been sure why she felt a need to give me the letter without giving me a single invitation. But it compounded the still recent sting.

I was humiliated and heartbroken. I thought I had friends who liked me, but I was more a tolerated ... what? Acquaintance? Annoyance? Affliction? The worst part was I still knew these women were good women. I couldn't feel bitterness towards them, I had simply misunderstood our relationship. It had been my mistake. If my attendance made their night out unpleasant enough to go to the trouble to hide it from me, I couldn't begrudge them not asking me. After all, at the stage of life we were all in, these nights out would be rare and meant to be fun. I took it as a kindness (if a little misguided) that they went out of their way to keep me ignorant. In fact, a few years later I found myself on the opposite side of a similar situation and understood their position even better.

I learned a lot through this experience. I learned that liking me was not a prerequisite for goodness. Compatibility with me doesn't have a monopoly on kindness, hard work, or happiness. I also learned that,  despite what other people thought of me, I liked myself well enough. In fact, I see this as the genesis of feeling comfortable in my own skin and letting others learn to do the same.

Our family's next couple moves were to places where people were more, um, direct about their feelings and more embracing of eccentricities. I continued to grow from its the lessons, but rarely thought about that less-than-pleasant situation.

But since moving here, I've found myself reflecting again on that time. Recently I've realized I do carry some negative baggage I picked up all those years ago: I'm frightened of unrequited friendships. Obviously, I'm not great at reading social cues about friendship and I don't know if I can handle making friends only to find I really haven't. To learn to care for and admire women who simply don't reciprocate. I don't want to be tolerated, I want to be friended. Coupled with my natural shyness this has kept me isolated, probably a little prickly, and (I suspect) not responsive to more subtle attempts at friendship.

Now that I've identified a problem, maybe I can move forward. My comfort zone needs expanded a little bit, and I need to risk getting hurt. Another hard lesson learned. Getting wiser, not just older, is a difficult thing sometimes.

  Photobucket

26 comments:

  1. Yikes! That does hurt. I'm sorry they didn't invite you, because I think you would be the life of the party. :) I like you!!

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  2. I will cut someone for you. And you can hang out with me as much as you want.

    Although, I have to admit to being guilty of this with a friend from high school. We were best friends in high school. But this was 16 years ago. She is still very nice and sweet. But stagnant. Everything she talks about is the past. She still lives at home, works at the same job she did in high school, etc. It's really hard to be around her because I feel we have nothing in common anymore, and I feel so badly for my lack of reciprocation.

    Man, get a journal, Kristina!

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  3. I don't know how many moves happened in between that circle of friends and where you are now, but your post has left me wondering if you are referring to Lehi. We had a monthly girls' night out there, which was open to anyone and everyone who wanted to come. I really hope there wasn't a misunderstanding. (Or maybe it was Lehi and I was also left out?!) You know I wish we were still neighbors, right?

    In my current neighborhood, I sometimes organize girls' nights for everyone--literally. I send an email to the entire neighborhood list of 140 homes. Still, we get mostly the same people. I find myself hanging out with the same few people at book club, game nights, etc. So when I hold a smaller gathering, I naturally invite those few who have shown by their attendance that they want to be my friend. I sometimes worry that new move-ins might feel left out; but I also struggle with balancing a larger group of friends than I can maintain.

    You've touched on a subject that I've spent a lot of time thinking about with very little resolution.

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  4. I just had this happen recently. I confronted the main "offender" and said, "I consider you one of my best friends." To which she replied, "well, I guess I don't consider you one of mine."
    Ouch! I wanted to slither away and die!

    I'm a very enthusiastic friend and always like others more than they like me. It's a pain.

    I would be your friend for sure!

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  5. I've been on both sides of that situation and both are painfully awkward. It's so hard having to risk the hurt and put yourself out there after you've been through an experience like that.

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  6. I like you, Charlotte!

    I think I usually keep more reserved in anticipatory defense of a situation like this, and prob I miss out on both heartache and maybe some good possible friendships. Plus it's just easier/more reliable to read a book. Come visit Utah again!

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  7. Good post, Charlotte. I am sorry you went through that. This is one reason I love blogging and Facebook. For those of us (raising my hand) who feel awkward or uncertain socially, it's a helpful. It removes some of this angst. I think this is probably less of a thing for guys than for women, but I can relate. I tried an experiment once at work. I went early to a meeting and sat down in a totally empty room and just waited to see who would come sit by me. No one did--not even the people by whom I would have gone to sit had they been there first. That was rough and it really hurt me for a while. But it was also good in that it helped me develop more autonomy and independence. Now, I'm sort of able to take people on their level and no longer feel like I need to impose my desired level on them. I realized that the people who will always accept me unconditionally and love me as much as I love them live in my house and share my last name. And that's all I need. That's what I concluded anyway.

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  8. Wow, I think you have quite a mature and charitable view of this. I'm curious to know more about you being on the flip side, why someone who's already part of a group is deliberately left out. In my opinion, life's too short to be exclusive. If you want one on one with someone, that's different. But if you're already gathering lots of people and personalities, what's the difference? I know I probably would feel differently if in the situation, but all I can think now is OUCH. In the end, learning about yourself and becoming comfortable in your own skin is what it's all about. So, that's good. :)

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  9. I think we've all had friends where we've either been the one excluded or the one doing the excluding. This post has made me think a lot about those relationships! Thanks!

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  10. I agree with everything Braden said. Right down to seeing who sits next to me if I'm sitting alone. Answer: Nobody. I also appreciate blogging and FB, because I feel like people get to know me better, and it's much easier for my introverted self to converse there.

    When I first moved to Arizona, which was the first time I had lived outside of Utah Valley and away from family, I overheard some girls talking about their weekly scrapbooking date, and I totally invited myself! Nicely. They became some of my best friends, and I am so thankful they embraced my absolute forwardness because it wasn't normal for me at all, and I'm sure there are lots of groups out there who wouldn't. I always look back on that and appreciate it because it has helped me to step outside of my comfort zone...even though the next place I lived wasn't so accepting of me. :)

    Great post.

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  11. You are truly an amazing woman to have that perspective on it all. Most women--me included--would hold a grudge a lot stronger and a lot longer. I too try to stick with friendships where it goes both ways. It's such heartbreak when it doesn't, but you have to let go (something I'm still learning). And I like eccentricities! :)

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  12. I've felt that way before, too. No matter the circumstances, it's disconcerting to realize people you consider good friends may not feel quite the same. I've found it makes it more difficult for me to continue treating those same people like before. More often than not, I'll pull away and stick a little closer to friends I know really like me. Probly not the best solution.

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  13. My heart goes out to you for the pain you felt, and I admire your determination to pull the lesson out of a painful situation. I love your blog and eccentric personality. :)

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  14. What a poignant and timely post for me. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It is so hurtful to be on the end of an unrequited friendship. It's hard not to be included when you are an inclusive person and open to anyone. I'm thinking those women hadn't moved around much or ever had to make new friends or be the new one. They obviously weren't very good true friends. I'm struggling at the moment too with expanding my comfort zone while being open but also careful. And especially struggling with not caring if I've not included or part of a circle. And what do you do when it's your kids who are friendly to someone who doesn't reciprocate it? Thanks for sharing!

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  15. Something similar happened to me too, Charlotte. I am connected to a large group of women writers who all took some writing workshops together. We had often talked about starting a writing group once the workshop ended to hone our skills. One day we were having lunch when it popped up in conversation that they, indeed, DID form a writers group to hone their skills! Without me! Like you, I've chosen to take a charitable view of this. For whatever reason, be it writing style, writing process, or personalities, they've found a group that works for them, and, for whatever reason, they didn't ask me to be in it. When I'm very honest with myself, I can admit that I'm more the lone wolf type of writer who doesn't particularly care for writers groups and maybe this came through. Either way, I can accept the friendships as they are and not have to be all things to all people.

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  16. So glad to know that this happened years ago. I would feel so bad it if it had happened where you are now because I too know alot of the people and have the same respect for them. I love the person that you are and am very proud of you and what you have accomplished and how you live your life.

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  17. Oh, Charlotte, this hits very, very close to home. I feel like I have great friends, but then I see the messages on facebook and such that prove that I most definitely am NOT included in most of the fun. I'm tolerated at book club once a month (because I bring the best treats, I think), but otherwise... we just aren't that good of friends.

    I've worked really hard, but I'm not in as healthy a place as you are with it yet.

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  18. Great post Charlotte, I feel scared as well when making new friends. I know that this response is not what you were aiming for, but I just want you to know that I wish I could hang out with you all the time and I've wished ever since we moved that we could have stayed longer so we could have become closer friends. I'm so grateful for the internet so that I can still check in and say hi. I miss your face.

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  19. Ug. Wish I could say that I had never experienced this myself. You have good perspective.

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  20. I feel for you! This sounds like every female relationship I've ever had. I didn't handle it nearly as well as you though. As I've gotten older though, I realize that I'm especially grateful that my husband really is my best friend and there's no one else I'd rather hang out with anyhow. When I do need occasional girl time, I'll seek out one of my sorority sisters, but I try to not get upset when they don't include me in non-sorority activities.

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  21. From a 50 yo woman's perspective: It's easier to tell who your real friends are, the older you and your peers get. We're no longer in competition with each other over who has the nicer home, the most successful husband, the most obedient children, or smallest waistline. Somewhere between 45 and 50, we see what really matters and that starts within our own selves--the delusions are gone and life's realities has set in, so our friendships are REAL, we are more Open to differences in others, and appreciate having friendships alot more. I could write a whole blog on this too. Maybe I will. Thanks Charlotte!

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  22. I have been thinking about this ever since I read it this morning. I think it is a sad thing that happens to most of us, though maybe not on the same scale. I must comment on the experiment of sitting by ourselves to see who sits by us: After reading all the comments it seems like most of us are introverts, like myself. I have often sat down by myself, hoping for certain friends to sit by me, but most of the time it is because I don't want to hear that a seat is taken, I don't want to assume that that person wants me next to them, and if I sit down next to someone, I feel like I need to start the conversation. I am NOT good at that, so it is just much simpler for me to not choose a seat next to someone. I am just saying that I don't think we should put to much stock in that experiment.

    These issues with groups of friends are so touchy and difficult and can be so hurtful, but also interpreted wrong at times. Charlotte, I really admire you for the way you are now dealing with the issue and that you don't have any hard feelings anymore. You are amazing!

    And as a side note: I was so happy that you invited me to the scrap-booking days in York, oh so many years ago! It was so much fun and truthfully less fun the one time you weren't there. Really wish you were still around!!! (around me that is, I know you are blessing peoples lives up north, just wis it was mine)

    Thanks Charlotte

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  23. We just had a major discussion on friendship at my book club which prompted me to really think about friends. I think in the end it will always hurt if you realize someone doesn't like you or want you included, but as long as you are happy with yourself and your family and your spirituality you'll be okay. Always easier said than done though...

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  24. This hits really close to home. I've been retired 6 months now, and my "friends" from work have not bothered to call once. I've sent them e-mails which are either ignored entirely, or responded to with a one-liner. A friend of mine retired before I did, and I'm the only one who has kept in contact with her. I guess we never really grow up, do we?

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  25. That is really hard. When those things happen to me my self-preservation mode kicks in and I come up with all kinds of reasons why things went wrong. "They are all a lot younger than me." Or, "Maybe they thought I was busy already." I am sure you are more than human in this regard. Hugs.

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  26. Wow, Charlotte. In reading through this post I can see you're definitely in good company. And that includes me. This resonates with me so much. I've definitely gotten better about working through how I feel about being on the outside, but I find that in some ways it stresses me out to be on the "inside" too. I think the attitude you tried to have toward it at the time was amazing given the hurt you felt. But I completely understand your self-doubt about reading cues now. Friendships with women are so enriching, but sometimes really complicated. For what it's worth, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be friends with you.

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