Monday, September 10, 2012

Like You Already Didn't Suspect I Was a Bit Off My Rocker.

Being alone. As a mother of a handful of children, I crave it. And now that they are all school age, I'm finally enjoying large doses. (Well, 3.5 hours a day, stupid half-day kindergarten). Consistent alone time spent using the restroom without a death by a thousand knocks, cleaning the house without a constant leak of mess, and going grocery shopping without "helpers."

It was during this last task, however, that I hit a slight glitch.

You see, apparently having a child tag along for all those years was just a prop. For my talking. When my children aren't there with me I still jabber away. Only now, wonderfully alone, it is too myself. 

When a child is in the cart no one thinks twice when I grumble, "They've moved the tortilla shells again! Guess I'll search across the store." But when I'm standing alone staring at the previously-tortilla-now-potato-roll spot? People looked at me strangely. Apparently it also isn't kosher to announce, "Only three more things before we can check out!" to thin air. Or to note to myself that the name brand Fluff is cheaper than the off brand (and then fill my cart with several jars).

Once I noticed people were looking at me rather queerly, I tried to do better. I really did. Turns out mumbling to myself made it worse; people, eyebrows raised, tried to pass me as far away as possible. Merely mouthing words as I strolled the aisles actually made people turn around and walk the other way.

So I'm in trouble and I've been trying to come up with solutions for my talk-to-myself ways.
  • Create a lifelike puppet of a preschooler for my shopping cart- I'm trying to look less creepy, pretty sure that doesn't fit the bill.
  • Find my old bluetooth and hook it to my ear so it looks like I'm on my phone- Not obvious enough. Those people look crazy, too.
  • Borrow someone's kid to take with me shopping- Not that desperate.
  • Stop talking to myself- Too much will power required.
  • Practice my crazy lady look and talk to my hearts content. Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner.

I'd say the benefit of not having a prop when I talk & shop is I don't have the constant, "Can we buy {fill in the blank with whatever happens to be in eyesight}, but I have a package of Lindt Hazelnut Truffles that begs otherwise.


  1. I totally do the same thing. I used to tease my Mom because she talks to herself all the time. But after years of a stream of conversation with no response it is hard to stop doing it!

    I also point out all the cows and horses I see when we're driving. Awesome when the kids are in the car, awkward when I am alone, mortifying when I'm driving a load of adults.

  2. That photo made me laugh! I mumble to myself when I am home alone. "Why did I come into this room???"

  3. You could always wear a cat in a baby carrier...You know what I realized when my kids went back to school? That I suddenly had to hold my own baby all day long. Man, my arms have been achy this week.

  4. By way of improving the crazy lady look you could try wearing your shirt inside out, or that one of each kind of shoe look.(I assume, of course! I don't actually KNOW...) Also, I find dancing and singing to the store's background music really ups the crazy lady impression. (With or without kids...)

  5. Like mother like daughter what more can I say?

  6. He he. I think we are all guilty of talking to ourselves. I never thought was it was like when you don't have a prop along. This was hilarious!! I like the solution you came up with.

  7. I love it!! I was guilty of mumbling to myself in the grocery store well before having children, so I can't blame my craziness on them (or the lack of them being with me). Embrace the crazy-lady syndrome-- it is completely normal.
    And Amy N.-- I'm guilty of pointing out cows and choo-choo trains too.

  8. Haha. You should definitely take my kids shopping with you...although that would require somehow bridging the hundreds and hundreds of miles between us. I like to listen to music on my iPod when I shop alone and have caught myself singing along several times. Oh well. Who cares what people think anyway, right?

  9. Love it! I talk to myself too!