Wednesday, December 30, 2009

My Progress in Making Resolutions is Hindered by My Lack of Initiative

It is once again that wonderful time of year where every one is guilted into making resolutions, the achievement of which would bring about absolute perfection, never ending happiness, and possibly world peace. Unfortunately I am too lazy to reach that far, so I am hoping to become just a little, teeny, barely noticeable bit better. In fact I am so lazy I decided to only make one resolution. With such a limited supply of motivation, and hoping to be fair, I decided to interview each resolution and choose the best one. Here is how it went:

So, Stop Yelling at the Kids, what brings you here today? What? You think I’m too quick to raise my voice? Psychological damage to the kids and all that? Well, I’ll consider it, but my house is noisier than a jumbo jet, so I’m pretty sure picking you would equal never being heard again (and as far as I can tell, I’m only heard 5% of the time already).

NEXT!

Loose 10 Pounds, what are you doing here?!? I thought if I ignored you long enough you would really go away. Some goals just can’t tell when they aren’t wanted. Yes, I’m aware I still have those pants in my closet, “just in case" and I think of you every time I accidentally look in the mirror clothes-less, but let’s be real; I can work on weight when I have less stress in my life. Take a look at my 6 kids and husband’s job- it ain’t happen’n anytime soon. Can you hand me those cookies on your way out?

NEXT!

Stronger Effort to Keep My House Clean, I’m sorry but you came at the wrong time. With Christmas exploded all around me and my kids under my foot for two weeks, I know there is no way my house will ever be anything close to clean until my kids are closer to 30. If you tried me at the beginning of the school year when I am basking in less kids time, you might make more headway. Hey, don’t cry. It’s not MY fault New Year Resolutions come when my kids are on break.

NEXT!

You do realize, Spend Less Time on the Computer, that I am typing this on my computer right now. Why are you wasting my time?

NEXT!

Bwah-ha-ha-hee-ho-ha-ha-ha-ha, gulp, sputter. I’m sorry, bwah-he-he, snort, I don’t mean to laugh. He-he-he, cackle. No, Replace Chocolate With Vegetables, come back! Ho-he-he-he. I didn’t mean to laugh. Bwah-ha, snort, gulp, sputter. No, really, you maybe should go . . .

Ho-ho-he
.
NEXT!

Where did Go To Bed and Get Up Earlier go? Already off to sleep?  Well, I guess that’s an automatic disqualification.

Stay on a Budget? I’m sorry my husband is conducting his interviews down the hall.

Read My Scriptures Every Day, you’re so worn out and frail from years of use, I’m afraid to even interview you.

NEXT!

What?!? There’s no resolutions left to interview? Did they all just give up and go home? Isn’t there anything I can do that involves absolutely no personal effort or growth? I suppose I will resolve to resolve nothing this year. That is something I’m sure to keep.

Are you making better headway deciding on your New Year’s Resolutions?

(In actuality, my list making mania could never let an opportunity like New Years go by without seizing it. I’ve already spent a few days evaluating and deciding goals I want to make for this year. Also tweaking my routine and reorganizing how I create and follow my lists. But that would be boring to write about, so you get my blowing off steam instead.)

16 comments:

  1. I'm with you on the last one. I made a resolution a few years ago to not ever make New Year's Resolutions...and guess what? It worked!!! It's actually quite liberating. Instead I think we should all make lists like "Before 2010 ends, I would like to
    1. Exercise just one time.
    2. Get up before the kids just because, once.
    3. Bathe my kids before I actually smell the need.
    4. Cook because my kids need to eat, not because I am trying to impress a guest.
    5. Lay on the Later's beach as often as possible.
    and so on and so forth.
    Good luck, and let us all know how it goes.

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  2. lol, what a funny post. I have been considering my list for a while, trying to decide how hard I want to work this year. I know someone who makes their 'New Year's Resolutions' at the beginning of the school year instead of Jan 1, which I thought was an interesting idea.
    And, I'm tellin' ya, if you have a Gold's Gym close by. Free babysitting. Need I say more?

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  3. Love it, love it. i've been trying to think of a resolution I could make that isn't far reaching but measureable. Because so many just aren't.

    P.S. regarging your comment about modest dreses -- have you tried shadeclothing.com and www.shabbyapple.com? Ann Taylor also has some modest dresses sometimes -- but Shabby Apple is my fave. They are priced kind of high, but I have three that have lasted two years. So that's good. Good luck!

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  4. This is fantastic! I might take a page fromyour book, though I'm not sure I have time to conduct the interviews so maybe I'll just go with yours. P.S. I have a list making infatuation as well so I'd love to read a post from you about that. :-)

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  5. Hello! Are you not an equal opportunity interviewer??? What happened to "Find a job and house in Washington"??? I don't think you were very fair in your process and should start over.

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  6. He2, hee! Love it.

    My resolution is to give up sweets (yes, including chocolate) for 30 days in a effort to detox. And then, only indulge once a week after that.

    I think I'm just setting myself up for failure.

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  7. You are too funny. What happened to revamping the housewives blog???

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  8. Add just one more, "Start career as professional comedy writer", because you make me laugh every time you write something!

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  9. Funny Charlotte but you are ahead of me because I haven't even thought of making any until I read your blog and realized that I should be thinking about making some new resolutions. Oh well I'll pretend I didn't read your blog.

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  10. 1. Stop saying yes when I'm asked to dog-sit.

    2. Tickle the kids till they scream. Often.

    3. Do at least 2 handstands this year.

    4. Go on lots of dates with my husband.

    5. Maybe lay off the list-making a little. (This one is just for me. I love your lists!)

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  11. I laughed so hard when I read this. I even told my husband! So funny! I think resolutions are even more ways for us to torture ourselves.

    Happy New Year!

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  12. I am usually all about the resolutions, but for some reason I am so not into it this year! Barlow has made some pretty lofty and detailed goals, and I just can't get myself to come up with anything except "be better, try harder"... does that count?

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  13. Emma Jo- #4 (cook for the kids)is impossible I think and #5 (involving our beach) is the best goal ever!

    Jamie- No Gold gym close by :( I usually revamp my goals at the beginning of the school year and the beginning of summer, as well as now.

    Cami- Thanks!

    Natalie Thanks for stopping by. I have looked at those sites, but it is too close to buy from them now. I try to only make measurable goals (when I do make them).

    Christine- Feel free to use my interviews. I'll think about a list post.

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  14. Davis family- That would be a goal for Peter to make. :(

    Allison- Good luck!! I don't think I could make it, although I usually cut back in January after overdoing it at Christmas.

    Kim- working on it.

    Claudia- Thanks! Even my husband laughed when he (was forced to) read this.

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  15. Tucker Mom- Sorry to interrupt your procrastination!

    ucmama maybe I'll just use your goals. Except the handstand one, took me months to recover last time (of course I was 6 months pregnant at the time).

    Ambrosia- Thanks! Hope he enjoyed it, too!

    Andrea- With two young toddlers around, I would say that was a hard enough goal, too. I would try more for "just try to hang on another year"

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