It is essential to develop my talents, right? Turns out I have an exceptional talent for making my husband's birthday a wreck, and this year I came close to perfecting it. In case there are any of you out there with a burning desire to develop this same talent, I have compiled a little tutorial:
How to Ruin Your Husband's Birthday
In a Few Simple Steps
In a Few Simple Steps
First of all, you must really plan ahead. The day before his birthday you should make sure you find a huge puddle in your basement and find that it is coming from under the water heater. Make sure you don't discover it until it is too late to call a plumber so the mess will be dealt with on his birthday.
Now, this might be enough, but if you can get his work to schedule a meeting on his day off, this makes things even better. For better measure, make sure it is a meeting with someone upset with his department and wanting to vent on him for a couple hours.
Are you feeling the ruination? We're not done yet.
Make sure that you have an event planned for the day (forgetting he has the day off) and make sure you are leaving about a half hour before he gets home from his meeting (see above). Make sure that you volunteer to make his favorite treat for the meeting and ensure that there's not enough for him to have any. (It helps if you're making the treat when he leaves for the meeting, so he knows you've made it).
Now, we have the day going perfectly.
While you're at your thing for a few hours, schedule the plumber to come. If you can, make it so that the entire water heater needs replaced so that they're there all afternoon. Also, make sure there is so much water at this point that the towels you laid out are soaked and your husband can spend a few hours using the shop vac to suck out 15 or so gallons of water from the basement. All while you are enjoying yourself: feeding the 40 or so missionaries in your area, chatting with friends also there to help, and eating Cafe Rio style buffet.
We've done some excellent work, but the details make all the difference.
- If you could, orchestrate things so he must attend an activity at church due to his calling as Young Men's President that evening. This would be excellent.
- Also, make sure the only gifts he gets are those you bought together online and only half arrive in time.
- Forget to buy the stuff for the football shaped birthday brownies he requested. (Also, make sure the treat you made earlier were brownies.)
- If you could have his birthday on a major holiday that implies 6 more weeks of winter so everyone curses the day, that is the piece de resistance.
Congratulations, you have successfully ruined your husband's birthday!
If you're now feeling guilty, you can run to the store while he is at the youth meeting. Buy brownie ingredients, ice cream, candles, birthday hats, favorite chocolate (dark), and a book. Then run home and make the brownies, clean up the disastrous kitchen, and decorate cake with football design. Have the kids make cards for him. Keep kids up to sing happy birthday and then, after they're in bed, stay up late watching movie with him instead of going online.
Determine to squash this talent before Father's Day and plan extra special Valentine's Day present (any ideas?).