Have you ever felt on the brink? Your old self surrounding you, your new one a short break through away. Have you ever looked around your life and become slightly claustrophobic, realizing you've insulated yourself from fully living life? A chrysalis of protection surrounding you that now feels too restrictive. Have you ever felt the painful process of lots of growth in a short time, and you know that you can no longer be the exact same person, but you're not exactly sure who that means you're going to be? And then you feel it is time to break through, to become, to see life from your new perspective. Do you hope, once your wings have time to dry a bit, that you can finally fly?
In the last couple of years I've felt myself changing. Parts of me dying as new aspects developed. I mourned for a long time for my old self, hoping I could go back, to re-become. But lately I've begun to see my transformation differently. To not only look at what I've let go, but to see what I've gained in the process. I also now see that I've disconnected during the process, insulating myself while I've grown. I worried, at first, that this disconnection was permanent, a part of the new me, but I don't believe it is so. It was just a necessary step in the transformation. Growth needs time and sometimes distance.
I realize now that I can't go back. I can't reconnect to the world, to my family, in the same way I once did. Because I've changed. The new me is more willing to take risks, less willing to let fear hold her back. Stronger, too. Also, less willing to hide what she believes, how she feels. I can reconnect to the world, to my family, in a different way. Not worse, not better. Different.
It is time to finally break through. To examine the new me and learn to navigate the world again. To reconnect to life, living it fully. Where I once enjoyed the branched for their safety, I now feel a restless desire to soar.
I am on the brink of this breakthrough. I can feel it. I am starting to stretch out, to break through the cocoon, no longer needing its isolating protection. I am on the brink.
Hello world.
______________
Have you ever realized you've transformed? Is this a normal part of early 30's (I suspect it is)? Did you find the process as hard as I have? Any suggestions for reconnecting?
In the last couple of years I've felt myself changing. Parts of me dying as new aspects developed. I mourned for a long time for my old self, hoping I could go back, to re-become. But lately I've begun to see my transformation differently. To not only look at what I've let go, but to see what I've gained in the process. I also now see that I've disconnected during the process, insulating myself while I've grown. I worried, at first, that this disconnection was permanent, a part of the new me, but I don't believe it is so. It was just a necessary step in the transformation. Growth needs time and sometimes distance.
I realize now that I can't go back. I can't reconnect to the world, to my family, in the same way I once did. Because I've changed. The new me is more willing to take risks, less willing to let fear hold her back. Stronger, too. Also, less willing to hide what she believes, how she feels. I can reconnect to the world, to my family, in a different way. Not worse, not better. Different.
It is time to finally break through. To examine the new me and learn to navigate the world again. To reconnect to life, living it fully. Where I once enjoyed the branched for their safety, I now feel a restless desire to soar.
I am on the brink of this breakthrough. I can feel it. I am starting to stretch out, to break through the cocoon, no longer needing its isolating protection. I am on the brink.
Hello world.
______________
Have you ever realized you've transformed? Is this a normal part of early 30's (I suspect it is)? Did you find the process as hard as I have? Any suggestions for reconnecting?
In each decade I have felt transformation happening. Just the other day I said to my husband, "In our mid-forties houldn't we feel more settled?" And later that day I realized that would be boring.
ReplyDeleteBut I know exactly what you mean. Where I was more cautious before, I know am ready to try new things. I think it is totally part of the human experience to keep changing and expanding. Good luck with breaking through into your new existence. Enjoy!
Gosh, somedays you hit my nail right on the head. This is exactly what I have felt is my struggle for the last few years. I don't know the answers, but this has given me much to think about.
ReplyDeleteI've been going through something similar, starting with the transition to a stay-at-home-mom. I've branched out, made new friends, went totally out of my comfort zone. And now, with the prospect of moving from the town that I grew up in, and spent most of my life it, I feel another transition coming. It's scary, but a necessary part of life, unless you want to stay stuck forever.
ReplyDeleteAnd, come to think of it, I'm in my very early 30s too. Maybe it is a decade thing.
Thanks for sharing your transformation with us, I can't wait to see who you become.
So well put...I feel like I am on the brink of the brink perhaps. You articulate things so nicely. When are you coming back? I mean, come back already.
ReplyDeleteAge gives us wisdom. Wisdom gives us Confidence and Perspective. Who would want to go back to High School? Not me.
ReplyDeleteLearning to like myself gives me peace.
Enjoying the journey is the best gift we give ourselves.
I definitely feel like I'm on the brink right now. On the brink of 30, for starters, so maybe that's part of it. :) Having just become a mother after deciding to attempt a career change... my identity is in flux (and yet, in some ways, feels more stable than every before). The difficult thing with being in transition - and undergoing a transformation - is that I'm never 100% sure where I'm going or who I'm about to become... Fingers crossed that she's an improvement over the current version. :)
ReplyDeleteMy 30's were a blur. First, I was having babies. Then, I was ending a marriage. I don't recall me at all.
ReplyDeleteNow, my 40's have been a totally different decade. Tranformative? Definitely. I am still growing and learning about the world and me.
Brink after brink after brink. Life has been so brinkful for me. I've decided the "real me" probably won't emerge until the next life.
ReplyDeleteI am still transforming into the mother role. It looks to be a very long process.
ReplyDeleteCharlotte,
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear more. My own personal story is that for years and years I resisted what I was being pulled to do - I stayed in my insurance job for 18 years knowing I wasn't suited for it, until I got very sick and depressed. I truly believe that you can run but you can't hide from your life's destiny. And like I said before on Kristen's blog, you will find it or it will find you. I'm happy to hear that you've stopped fighting.
I had felt that same thing a couple of years ago- the start. All of the things you said started with me then- more risks, less holding back. Maybe it's an age thing? Hmm. I guess we'll stay tuned.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully written post, Charlotte. Like Linda, I too will look forward to hearing what comes next for you.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. First, there was college. And it wasn't so bad except for coming back to school after each break and realizing "Things will never like they used to be" aka high school. Although, I must say I HATED high school and couldn't wait to leave.
ReplyDeleteThen I graduated from college and was really, really poor and realizing the same thing. (Although at this point I had been working and paying my own bills for years, so it wasn't necessarily the new responsibilty that was the problem.)
It still hits me once and awhile that now Clint and I have been married for 2 years, own a house, have dogs and real jobs and responsibilities. But I still get that "I wish I was back" feeling...and that weird ache for the old times. But then I remember how good we have it now and am thankful for that too.
Brilliant post. I nodded along the whole way, and then the final two words? Perfect.
ReplyDeleteHello world.
On the brink? It's a great (and greatly scary) place to be.
As long as you are still you the changes won't matter much. You know the you that is loving, caring, devoted, striving to better herself and her family, living your religion the way that you know is right, all the things that make you Charlotte. I too look forward to what you become but also love who you have been. Thanks so much for the visit.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, Charlotte! I had to comment here. After years of repression (starting in my childhood) I've gone through some major life changes within. I thought I was making great progress upon meeting my hubby six years ago - now I see how much I've changed in just six years and likely will change even more. It's so amazing - I can relate here because when you start changing inside (for me, becoming more confident, sharing my opinions, saying what I really feel, not as much "people pleasing" or being taken advantage of, etc) there is no stopping it! this is where I feel we as women need a good, supportive spouse - because we need to be able to change over the years with our spouses. I'll admit upon my early divorce (I was 20) and my other abusive relationship - one of the major things that occured was that the man would not allow me to change within our relationship. I had a deep knowledge that I was no longer the person I was when we'd met - that there was no love, that I was not being treated well whatsoever, that I was a new person. Had either worked with me to allow the change, perhaps those relations would have worked out, but they were toxic and abusive. So in my personal situation I regressed and acted out (drinking, etc). Anyway, I liked this post, because you cannot deny this inner growth, because it's YOU. So to have a wonderful spouse and family who understand mom/wife is changing, learning, growing - this is such a blessing. (my hubby has, I'll admit, been a bit amused/surprised by my changes this last year but he's supportive all the same) But I am blessed here in this regard and I think you are, too. Go for it! Enjoy your new found self! (I sound kinda corny here, but I had to say it.)
ReplyDeleteA week ago, I was walking down the street to my friend's house for our morning constitutional, and I waved to another friend driving in her pristine black minivan. She is the kind of lady (Barbie) who I would normally not bother to make friends with because she is too-perfect looking (I am a reverse-appearance snob), but I got to know her at church lady aerobics, and she's funny and interesting.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I looked down at myself after waving to her. I was all dressed up for my morning walk, yoga pants stretched over my pregnant bum (yes, I get a pregnant bum) and my old red fleece sweatshirt that was a hand-me-down from Mimi's husband 10 years ago. It has holes in it from flying ashes while camping, but it is still my favorite sweatshirt.
The pockets on both sides were weighed down below the hem, sticking out, bouncing on my legs, with a small water bottle and an apple. I had my ugly beanie and funny old-lady mittens on. My face was not as clear as my pregnancy skin often is. Oh, and I was wearing my (again favorite) prescription sunglasses, also 10 years old, that are very unfashionably shaped, but they are polarized so they give everything a soft rose tint.
And I thought, I can't wait until I'm 50 and I can wear whatever I want, and no one will think anything of the eccentric old lady down the street.
Then I realized two things: I already do wear what ever I want. And: I am becoming my mother.
(Sorry, this got really long. I think I'll post it on my blog, but my point was I totally get what you're saying, and I was shocked to realize that I'm looking forward to getting older and not caring about some things and being freed up to focus on other stuff.)
My goodness I am so excited for you! This sounds positively delicious. As you know, I'm on a similar quest myself and never quite thougth about it like this.
ReplyDelete"On the brink," it sounds so satisfying, frustrating, curious and exciting at teh same time.
As an aside, someone once told me that marriages can survive when one person is changing, but it becomes so much harder when both partners change at the same time. Your post illustrates perfectly why that would be so. When we change, it's so profound, it's hard for us to find our bearings.
It sounds though like you have a great perspective. I can't wait to read more.
As someone who shuffled through the early 30s with tiny babies, I've now reached the downhill half of 30s and just decided that the "Old me" is me now. I'm old. I just look forward to what that might mean in new stages.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't considered that others my age were experiencing a similar breakthrough approaching them. The shift of winter into spring is bringing with it a new energy I have not felt in a long time. What seems to be in my near future is the person I started out to be 15 years ago with goals and dreams of developing talents and relationships. But that me was put on the shelf as I took on motherhood. In just the past year or two, I finally feel comfortable in my role as mother, and I am beginning to feel free to develop those other interests and parts of my personality that have been waiting. I think the time of waiting has made me wiser in what I'll pursue and more appreciative of what I will become.
ReplyDelete