- 1 Count of Catching Grill on Fire
- 1 Count of Negligence of Husband's Favorite Appliance
- 7 Counts of Murder of Hamburger
- 1 Count of Lazy Dinner Making
- 1 Count Trying to do Too Many Things at Once
murdered hamburgers with "fired" grill and appliance used to cook new hamburgers
My 2 year old and the huge party going on next door.
We will prove beyond a preponderance of the evidence that Charlotte did willfully and neglectfully catch the grill on fire while trying to cook hamburgers. The flames and billowing smoke had to have been seen by the entire neighborhood for the ten (maybe even 15) minutes it took to die out.
Despite the fact that she totally burned hotdogs just the week before, she still left the hamburgers cooking while going inside to grab the hamburger buns and check on the fries. I know it is meatism to only give a warning when murdering hotdogs while charging her when murdering hamburgers, but hamburgers? HAMBURGERS? If it had been steak, there might have been a lynching. What a deplorable, deplorable crime.
Before pronouncing your sentence, would you like to address the court?
I would like to beg for leniency. I had, after all, had all the kids to myself all afternoon on that Saturday. And I had to take them to 3 different stores just an hour previous (in search of ink for my printer), so I was very distracted and a little grouchy and dinner was running late so I was trying to hurry.
Also, once I went outside to check the hamburgers and found the grill on fire, there was not much to do but let it burn itself out. The hamburgers were already doomed. Besides, what could possibly be fit punishment? Never to cook dinn . . . wait a minute. . . I agree, my crime was beyond reason. I am obviously a callous and incapable cook. I think I should be BANNED from ever cooking dinner again.
. . .What do you mean, "case dismissed"?
If my sister and her husband ever ask you to play dress up and pose for pictures for a funny (and it did turn out funny) family project, think carefully, no matter how many Reese's Peanut Butter Miniatures they've wheedled you with.