Monday, August 18, 2008

Guilty as Charged?


  • 1 Count of Catching Grill on Fire
  • 1 Count of Negligence of Husband's Favorite Appliance
  • 7 Counts of Murder of Hamburger
  • 1 Count of Lazy Dinner Making
  • 1 Count Trying to do Too Many Things at Once


murdered hamburgers with "fired" grill and appliance used to cook new hamburgers

My 2 year old and the huge party going on next door.
We will prove beyond a preponderance of the evidence that Charlotte did willfully and neglectfully catch the grill on fire while trying to cook hamburgers. The flames and billowing smoke had to have been seen by the entire neighborhood for the ten (maybe even 15) minutes it took to die out.
Despite the fact that she totally burned hotdogs just the week before, she still left the hamburgers cooking while going inside to grab the hamburger buns and check on the fries. I know it is meatism to only give a warning when murdering hotdogs while charging her when murdering hamburgers, but hamburgers? HAMBURGERS? If it had been steak, there might have been a lynching. What a deplorable, deplorable crime.
Before pronouncing your sentence, would you like to address the court?
I would like to beg for leniency. I had, after all, had all the kids to myself all afternoon on that Saturday. And I had to take them to 3 different stores just an hour previous (in search of ink for my printer), so I was very distracted and a little grouchy and dinner was running late so I was trying to hurry.
Also, once I went outside to check the hamburgers and found the grill on fire, there was not much to do but let it burn itself out. The hamburgers were already doomed. Besides, what could possibly be fit punishment? Never to cook dinn . . . wait a minute. . . I agree, my crime was beyond reason. I am obviously a callous and incapable cook. I think I should be BANNED from ever cooking dinner again.
. . .What do you mean, "case dismissed"?
If my sister and her husband ever ask you to play dress up and pose for pictures for a funny (and it did turn out funny) family project, think carefully, no matter how many Reese's Peanut Butter Miniatures they've wheedled you with.


  1. Oh my goodness! This is hilarious!

  2. Ok, we totally need more info on your sister's project!
    I don't know about banned from ever cooking dinner but I might stand up for the grill. See why I let the men handle the grilling? Why take over something they are so good at doing?
    I mean, besides that they are always golfing or working when dinner needs to be cooked.

  3. Thanks for an awesome late night laugh. I had a plum cobbler incident on Saturday that should also ban me from ever cooking again...

  4. I don't even touch the BBQ it scares me, and now you know why

  5. Charlotte,

    You are a very talented daughter, with many gifts, but perhaps, cooking isn't one of them. Amazingly though the kids all seem healthy and Peter shows no worse for wear.

    But I must admit, 3 times my brothers and I burned down the kitchen while cooking hamburgers and french fries. So it could of been much worse, at least you still have your kitchen.

    I suggest, Case Dismissed, with some restriction on cooking on the grill, especially while you have other food cooking in the kitchen.

  6. I still say you should write a article for the newspaper. You always make me laugh. Did it ruin the grill? Was that a new george forman grill that you have in the picture for hamburgers. Way to get a new appliance. Another thing I like hot dogs better than hamburgers.

  7. You are too funny. I don't even know how to turn on our grill...I think Ken wants it that way on purpose. I caught our oven on fire the other day. Your picture rocks must have a talented sister and brother in law.

  8. This is so hilarious! I was wondering where the picture came from until I read the rest of your post. Sounds like a lot of fun. Did the hamburgers receive a proper burial?

  9. You got bribed with Reese's to do that picture? And we did it for FREE????

    This story just reaffirms my claim that my George Forman will be the grill I will ever try to use.

  10. Dad, I am sad to hear that the catch cooking things on fire is hereditary (guess I need to keep an eye on my kids!)

    Barlow we weren't bribed persay, more like we were at their house and they always have a lot of chocolate around and that put us in a impressionable mood . . .

    After I thought about it, the grill I used was one Kim bought for us a few years back. So she provided the picture of me and the way I now make hamburgers. Double thanks Kim!!

  11. Oh my! Those are some burned hamburgers! Wow...I am almost speechless looking at that picture. :-)

  12. he he he. I hope to never post the mug shot of myself. I think Kim owes the rest of us a bag of Reese's!! (so I can freeze them)

    Good luck next time (I know you to well to think that this is the last time you will grill!)

  13. You weren't kidding. Thanks for making me so much better about myself.