If I ever feeling a bit lonely and neglected (Ha!) all I need do is go to the bathroom or make an important phone call. All kids come standard with built in Mom-would-rather-not-be-interrupted-at-the-moment detectors. I will instantly become so popular that my children can’t wait another second before demanding my immediate attention. If those two things don't cross the threshold of detection, I can pull out the big guns by sneaking a treat from the pantry or sitting to read a book. Interrupting guilty pleasures, after all, is the Holy Grail of children's interruptions. If, however, I'm desperate for time alone, I just tell the kiddos it’s time for chores, bed, or homework.
I am an expert at getting rid of my kids' precious life works (aka busy work they bring home by the tree load daily). I like to hide my children’s priceless treasures under the junk mail in the garbage can. For good measure I sometimes add any moldy contents I find in the fridge (although if discovered afterwards this is a huge backfire resulting in extra nastiness sitting on my counter until I can resneak it into the garbage). I find a practiced “You found that in the garbage? That’s horrible!” soothes the hurt feelings while still being truthful.
Breathing deeply through my mouth while chanting “it is only a natural bodily function” has gotten me through many a nasty situation. So have plastic gloves and the ability to clean while staring at the ceiling.
Some things are always in short supply and I’ve learned stock up when I find them on sale: crayons, chocolate, socks, patience, toilet paper, chocolate, computer paper, light bulbs and chocolate. This list is obviously noninclusive. I didn't list, for instance, ice cream or sanity.
After fighting the battle to get the kids to clean their own rooms, I only check under beds and in closets if I am willing to fight the entire battle again. Or I’m missing a library book.And that, my friends, is why I earn the big bucks when it comes to parenting.
This post is in response to being awarded an authentic mom award from my sister, whose post was absolutely hilarious. Click on the link to read it. She was kind enough to write about me, “She has 6 kids.....enough said. But if I had to go on, I would mention that she does more traditions with her kids than anyone I know and is willing to give up things that she wants in order to make her kids happy“.
You can’t get any more authentic than sneaking garbage, cleaning up unspeakably disgusting messes, and pretending you don’t know how kids clean bedrooms, right?
The rules were that I had to state 5 things that made me an authentic mother and then pass it on to 5 other authentic moms. I am truly terrible at passing these things along, so I guess I will open it up to anyone wanting to explore what makes them an real life mother. Feel free to contribute.