Thursday, May 6, 2010

My life needs a narrator

The other day I had an epiphany.  Before you get too excited let me warn you: I'm a frequent epiphanier.  For unexplained reasons, the rate seems to increase sharply with lack of sleep, during showers, or when cleaning too long without listening to something in the background.  Some might think there is some sort of explanation for this that involves words like "lunacy" or "one strange woman", but I prefer to keep things mysterious.

So, back to this particular epiphany.  I realized that there is something missing in my life that, the addition of which, would make things so much easier.  I need a narrator.  Yep, that's right I need a voice over providing commentary throughout the day.  I'd prefer a large booming radio announcer sort of voice, speaking with gusto to some unknown audience.  


Wait!  Unroll your eyeballs and let me explain.  Think about how much easier it would be to have some omniscient narration keeping track of my life!  The next time I declare I want  to take the whole family on a 5K run, a voice could remind me, "And those were her famous last words"  before I leave the house.

What about using the restroom?  As I try to sneak a couple minutes in the narrator could be saying something like, "Meanwhile, down in the living room, the boys decided it was time to visit the neighbors ... in their underwear."

While making dinner I could get the heads up, "If only she knew her husband won't be home till late and the kids won't touch the food, she could save time and just provide chocolate chip cookies for dinner" or while headed to the store, "How long will it take before Charlotte remembers her wallet is not in her purse, but is still sitting by the computer?" 

Speaking of which maybe the next time my keys/remote/shoes/library books decide to wander off, it would be nice to have the narrator wonder aloud, "Will she ever think to look in {insert most bizarre place I will find keys/remote/shoes/library books this time}?.".

The more I think about it the more I think my life may never be complete without a narrator to help me out.   I'm still working out the details- whether or not other people should be able to hear my narrator, if I'm allowed to speak to him, and how comfortable the straight jacket will be (does it come in colors?).

I can't be the only one who would benefit from some life narration.  What would your narrator sound like and what would he/she/it be saying?
 
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38 comments:

  1. Spot On! I want one too!
    Oh and I'd like background music for my life too...Michael McLean talked about it years ago, and I really think he's onto something great.
    Think about how it could help:
    When I'm about to blow my lid, "the Phantom of the Opera" song could cue up and warn my family! See? Yeah. It could work.

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  2. Brilliant! I want one too. If not a narrator, at least background music, so I can tell when something bad or scary is about to happen.

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  3. @Momza- Yes, my kids could use a warning; apparently the steam coming from my ears just isn't enough!

    @Amy- That would be nice. No more checking for weirdos at the park, I could just listen for the creepy music to start playing.

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  4. They do this on Community all the time...

    But if it makes you feel any better, I often think of songs that would go in parts of my day....as if music will start playing from the bushes and an MGM show choir will magically start dancing in the back ground! :)

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  5. Yeah, mine would totally be that there is no point in cooking dinner because the kids would be way happier eating cereal. I love this post!

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  6. I admit I'm vain. {hangs head in shame} It would be too terrible for my pride to have a narrator saying everything out loud for all to hear. I'd have to hide all day.

    I'd much rather it was set to music instead...

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  7. Me too please! I'd like mine to be calm, clear headed and always in control. You know, everything that I'm not.

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  8. Ooh ooh! Me me me!! I want one!!!

    Mine would say, "And while doing the dishes, the baby plays with the toilet plunger and the boys smear diaper rash cream over their faces."

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  9. I don't want one. Mine would be saying And there she goes again doing the same things she vowed not to ever do again. Or and she eats another chocolate bar, doesn't she see what is is doing to her shape? I prefer silence.

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  10. Ha ha ha ha ha, maybe you should just make chocolate chip cookies for dinner every night to be on the safe side. Love the idea of knowing when the boys are running outside in their underwear. The other day Ashton got out of the shower on his own while I was on the phone and ran outside to say hello to my kids friends who were over to play.

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  11. Great idea! I'd like to order one for work who would say: Lady you are crazy! Go home to your kids.

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  12. Great idea!

    I've also always wanted background music to my life, but that could be because I'm an admitted music geek, and think that some things would be so much more interesting with a dramatic swell of music.

    And I love that you used the word epiphanier. Awesome!

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  13. You can't hear me right now (maybe you can . . . am I your narrator? It sounded that way when I read your post to my sister.) but I am applauding. While standing. Awesome.

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  14. This is probably my favorite post of the day (am I allowed to say that?). Excuse me while I laugh my butt off. (If only it were true...)

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  15. This topic reminds me of that movie Stranger than fiction with Will Ferrel (I loved that movie and highly reccomend it!!!)

    I would also love a narrarator it would say "She gives her 1 year old an oreo cookie knowing she will be covered head to toe in 3 seconds in black and white goo, but longing for 5 minutes of peace and quiet"!

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  16. @Atomic Mom- I should watch that show, sounds like I would totally get the humor.

    @Kristen- Isn't it weird how the kids prefer the dinners with no effort (cereal, chicken nuggets, etc). I take advantage of that way too often.

    @Chocolate on my Cranium- Yeah, I decided it would probably be better if only I could hear the narration, no need for everyone to hear what I'm doing with my day!

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  17. @Allison- That would be lovely. I could use a dose of calm thinking throughout most of my days, too!

    @Serene- Sounds like we could use the same narrator, our days are so similar. (Ever try to get an entire tub of diaper rash medicine off of your mother's brand new carpet?

    @Tucker Mom- I think I would have to have a mute button for the narration over my eating habits (which I inherited from you).

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  18. @Brenda- I like the way you think. A chocolate chip cookie diet sounds great!! Ashton and Matthew would get along fabulously, they can be naked cousins.

    @Christine- Yeah, I need knocked upside the head and reminded to play with my kids way too often. I don't even have to come home from work, they're usually right next to me.

    @Stacy- It took me a while to get the word just right. My background music would have mostly elevator stuff with a few dramatic swells thrown in.

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  19. @InkMom- You could be my narrator if you want to. I miss the beautiful North Carolina accent from my days down there. I had friends that could make reading their shopping list sound fascinating.

    @Amber- Thanks! (If you find the secret of really laughing your butt off, please share.)

    @Living the Scream- Yes, my narrator would be familiar with the phrase, too. I need to rewatch that movie, it's been too long since I saw it last, but I remember it was pretty funny.

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  20. Are you exhausted from being so responsive? I am tired for you, but you are so blogging friendly and I love it.
    So I second the movie Stranger Than Fiction. Really interesting and funny and totally what I was thinking about during this whole post. I also am down with the music idea...it could really enhance the moods around here...happy bird chirping in the morning and menacing something bad about to happen music to warn the kids that they are totally in for it.

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  21. I am nuts for the narrator idea! And epiphanier? Love it!

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  22. @Emma Jo- I don't think my mornings would include happy bird chirping, more like the theme music for Jaws. My fingers needed a workout, so I'm okay with lots of typing!

    @Kazzy- Well, thank you. I think I may try to use my newly minted word as often as possible (although I can't think of many situations that would work!)

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  23. That Would be AWESOME!

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  24. My narrator would have to have that powerful voice of Yul Brenner from "The King & I" -- or maybe even the voice behind the curtain in "The Wizard of Oz."

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  25. DOOD! Your narrator has way cooler things to say than mine. All mine would have is "She wishes she would have remembered to wear socks"

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  26. I need one too! I want my narrator to have a nice deep echo-y voice like the movies and maybe some music for added effect.

    Thanks for the laugh!

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  27. No way could I have an omniscient voice commentating out loud on my life. It would be way to scary to have my motives out in the open. :) However, I could really go for an Administrative Assistant to keep track of everything I let fall through the cracks.

    Thanks fellow commentators for offering "Stranger Than Fiction". I was with seven friends last night voting on whether we like Will Ferrel's humor. As we went through his roles, none of us who had seen it could remember the name of that movie, which is rather difficult to recommend to someone who hasn't seen it. Strange plot, but I liked it anyway.

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  28. @Andrea- Yes, with your kids it would probably come in handy, too. Barlow is, after all, their father.

    @LaurieBee- Both excellent choices.

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  29. @Steph- Or other undergarments (which were mentioned in your last post).

    @Janna- Yes, I kinda picture mine the same.

    @Mary- Blogosphere saves the day again! I could go with an administrative assistant, too. Preferably one who washes bathrooms.

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  30. It would have to be booming and loud in order to be heard over the din of boys running around the kitchen/living room circle. I am also so happy to hear that the cookies for dinner went through your head too...that is actually what we had after a crazy day the other week.

    My narrator would say, "while the lovely and enchanting Karen was slaving away over a hot stove, her 2 year old is busily feeding mud to his little baby brother."

    When you sign up for yours, will you please see if we can get some sort of group rate?

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  31. You need to see a movie called "Stranger Than Fiction"...
    Thanks for the laugh!

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  32. This was absolutely hilarious! found you on MMB:)

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  33. I could've used said narrator just last Monday to let me know my wallet was still in my Sunday bag *before* I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery. Plus, the bold, booming voice could keep me in line by calling out, "There she is again whiling away hours in front of the computer until she realizes she's late to pick up her daughter from school." Come to think of it, Helen's teachers would probably vote for me to have a narrator too.

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  34. Your narrator reminds me of those ominous radio show announcers which would be accompanied by gloomy sounds on a harpsichord! (I'm not actually old enough to have heard that new but I heard it somewhere!)

    Well, right now my announcer is saying, "Meanwhile, Linda stays up all night reading blogs!"

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  35. @Karen- You have a nice narrator! Enchanting would never be a word mine would use for me...

    @NatureGirl- I'm thinking that will be my movie to watch this week!

    @iamwoman- Thanks for stopping by!

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  36. @Aubrey- I've forgotten my wallet more than I care to admit. I never remember until the checkout line. My kids are lucky they ride the bus, that way mom never forgets them at school.

    @Linda- I've heard those, too. I think my parents would listen to them on tape during long car trips. My narrator would have cause to say that a lot, too.

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  37. That is perfect! I've often done things with a soundtrack running in my mind. Maybe I'll start a business doing voiceovers for people's lives.

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  38. that is a great idea! It reminds me of the Will Ferrel movie where his life was narrated. Can't remember the name. My mind needs a voice over right now.

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