Wednesday, November 5, 2008

For the Love of HFCS

I’m sure everyone has heard by now that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) is to blame for all the evil in the world. So out of sheer curiosity, I looked in my pantry. My favorite teriyaki sauce, the only one I'll use? It is the number one ingredient. Soy sauce? It was in there, too. In fact, practically everything I like contains HFCS.

So that got me thinking.
Maybe I should make my own HFCS and add it to my home cooked stuff too. I hate broccoli. Perhaps not after infusing it with HCSF! Meat a little tough? Marinate with HCSF. Kids complain about dinner? Pour some of this yummy syrup over it. Want to win the next chili cook off? I have a secret ingredient!

I could even save money on my grocery budget! Just take all the left-too-long leftovers and mix in HFCS. Just like new!! Maybe I could just go outside and bring in a bucket of dirt. Mixed with just the right amount of HFCS (and the perfect dishes and center piece), and I’ve made a gourmet dinner!!
No more complaining, great cook reputation, my 6 year old gaining enough weight to be out of her car seat. I’m not really finding a down side.

In fact, maybe it isn’t just for cooking! I bet pouring it all over my house will make it look great without cleaning. Who needs to workout or use makeup? Just shower in HFCS (for an added treat see what happens if your husband does it too). Maybe it can be made into a hairspray to fix a terrible haircut. I wonder if lame TV shows are funny once you make a HFCS screen? The possibilities are endless.  

HCSF just might be a panacea for all my problems!!
So, anyone have a good recipe for high fructose corn syrup?

(And a quick note to my book club: don’t worry, I am not using HFCS for the pumpkin rolls I’m bringing this week, they are strangely delicious all on their own. But I wonder if they could taste even better. Hmmm.)


  1. mmmm yummy gourmet dirt.

    And you might be on to something, I think the people who say it si bad are just worried that people might start using it in everyday thing and just maybe we could all be happy..........and that would just ruin all of thier crazy plans to drive us all to our knees begging them to save us all..........ha ha ha ha .......(singing)thier coming to take me away ha ha to the funny farm ha ha

  2. Who was that crazy man that commented there?......

    I hear you, I just found out that the yogurt that I feed my one year old has HFCS in it. I have to admit the next time I was at the store I checked other brands but found out that the ALL have it in there (that or Aspertaine) So I shrugged my shoulders and fed it to him anyway.

    On a side note....showering in HFCS....Um.....never mind ;)

  3. OH MY GOSH that was funny!!!!!!!!!! I think you might really be on to something. I've been trying to look out for the stuff, but like you said it is in EVERYTHING! Even the "healthy" 100% whole wheat bread we buy. Maybe we should start buying stock in the HFCS industry?

  4. Ahh now the world knows about sugar coating. That is all hat HCSF. Sugar coat everything and life would be hum SWEET. Very funny post. Way to stick a family together.

  5. Maybe pouring HCSF on your children before they wake up in the morning will make them obedient, non-arguing, cleaning-loving beings. If you try it, let me know:)

  6. You've got to try and eat as healthy as you can, but as the awesome new HFCS commercials say, moderation is the key to all ways of living.

  7. I think you may have solved the energy crises here! Good job!

  8. pumpkin rolls.. oh man- that's what I'm going to miss??!?! that stinks!!! Pumpkin stuff is my FAVORITE!!!

  9. dirt & hfcs sounds so yummy.

  10. Three cheers for HFCS!
    I love all the commercials right now trying to convince us that its not harmless. They are funny. I am undecided on the whole issue. We haven't died yet, right? Though I like to believe that in my efforts to avoid it my kids will be smarter, taller, more beautiful and gloriously obedient.

  11. Bryan- I wish you'd comment more often (and post on your blog) you are too funny.

    Brenda- make your husband post more often (and you don't regularly shower in syrup? You must have dry skin then)

    Aimee- your blog is probably the only thing preventing my children from eating only HFCS.

    Andrea- have you been looking out for it because you know if you find it the food will be yummy? Maybe I should start checking, too.

    Mom- you'vre lived with Dad too long, now you are being "punny"

    BFord- I actually wrote dunking kids in it in the post, but no matter how I wrote it, it sounded like I was going to drown my children, so I took it out. But I'll let you know if I try.

    Kim- is it moderation if it is the #1 ingredient? You know, you introduced us to that teryaki sauce.

    Becca- I hope so. Then I can be very, very rich. Er, I mean, I would have helped humanity.

    Vi- next time I make some I will save some out for you.

    Jessica- next time I make some I will save some out for you.

    Emma Jo- as far as I can tell your kids are already smart, tall, beautiful and obedient. So I would let them eat all the HFCS they want (at least until my kids catch up to them).

  12. Mmm sugar on everything. Heaven.

  13. Ok, I am suppose to wait until it is official announced, but I have it on good word that D&C 89, the Word of Wisdom section, might be changed to include HCSF! The only think holding them back is they think people might protest at the temples and stuff like that.

  14. HFCS, MSG, Aspartame. Dang. All the things that make life good are so, so wrong....(maybe not MSG so much, but it was something I could throw in there.)

    Bugged that yogurt has it. Bugged. I just need to get all granola and make my own.