Friday, April 23, 2010

Changing focus, learning to relax


You know those pairs of young men, wearing suits and name tags while knocking on doors?  Well, those are my brothers, my father, my husband, and (hopefully) someday my sons.  My husband went on a mission for our church in Norway.  Therefore, his memories of walking the streets sharing our beliefs have a unique quality of COLD.  Frigid, below zero, near frostbite COLD.  Funny thing, though, is that most cold no longer bothers him.  For years after getting home he didn't even wear a heavy coat.  One day, as I shivered uncontrollably in the middle of winter, burrowing into my coat as deeply as possible, he stood in his light winter jacket, not a shiver to be seen.  Slightly amused as I bounced in a failing battle to stay warm, he told me the secret he learned from those two years in Norway: if you want to feel less cold, relax.  Focusing on the cold makes it that much worse.  

I tried to relax myself and found he was right.

Giving birth was the same way.  I think the reason I was able to give birth without an epidural five times, never screaming or losing control, was an innate ability to relax and calm myself during contractions, allowing my body to do its work.  Focusing on the pain makes it that much worse.

This is a lesson we must learn as parents, if we want to ever go in public or keep our sanity. 

Imagine a scenario from the not so far past.  Broken glasses with an outdated prescription led to an unexpected trip to the optometrist and optical store. The tight scheduling left me with four children, who lingered in a dinky waiting room for over and hour only to be forced to spend time looking through frames and waiting again for adjustments.  The three year-old's whining was growing louder, his 5 year-old brother's energy level was growing exponentially, the 11 year-old obviously bored and unable to control the feeling without excess movement, and the 7 year-old swirling with anticipation for her new glasses.  Not only were they loud and obnoxious, they were using me as a jungle gym, complaint line, and source of entertainment.

In my losing battle to keep them quiet and within reach, while hoping to leave the store without paying for lots of broken frames, I could feel the stress eating me up.  Hissed threats (have you mastered the whispered yell?), ineffective time outs, dirty looks- they weren't helping and I was nearing a breaking point.  Seconds before I exploded in a tantrum of my own, I suddenly remembered my lesson and relaxed.  Focusing on the stress makes it that much worse.

Once I stopped focusing on the stress, I was able to look for solutions.  I borrowed a pad of paper and pen from an employee for my 5 year-old to color, gave my 11 year-old the task of counting the number of displays, played I Spy with the 3 year-old, and handed my iPhone, with its wonderful apps, to the 7 year-old.  The noise went from yelled exclamations and bickering to quiet whispers and giggles.  Their activity focused enough to confine movement to around the chairs where we were sitting. 

In 10 seconds we went from out of control to astonishingly well behaved.  The kids hadn't changed, my perspective had.  They were calm, I was calm, we enjoyed the last few minutes before we could leave.

Want to know how I survive life with six kids?  I've learned to just relax, focus on solutions instead of stress.

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Have you ever found relaxing and stop focusing on the negative makes things better?  Do you have to learn a lesson in parenting over and over like I do?  Does your husband enjoy the cold too much, causing you frozen toes at night?

27 comments:

  1. Good post. I agree with you 100%. When I try to make each of these moments more temporarily enjoyable then I can get through them well.


    And the cold thing... I have been trying to convince my kids for years that that technique works!

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  2. ::::APPLAUSE::::
    Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Love this!!! So so true.
    I have a saying,
    "a heart full of gratitude leaves no room for want."...same principle and it works!!!

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  3. I love the advice and I also love the picture of the slippers. So glad they fit the kids, hard to do when they aren't here to try on. I will relax from now on.

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  4. Seriously! I'm a pretty mellow person by nature and that has been the key to being happy with six kids. People always ask (as I'm sure you know) "how do you do it?" To me, six kids isn't a big deal. Noisy to be sure, but it's not really that stressful unless I'm in a very foul mood.

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  5. i like to consider myself a professional at the "whispering yell"!

    i, too, am trying to keep a more positive attitude...doesnt ALWAYS help, but i am trying.

    Great Post!

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  6. Personally, I prefer to ignore and pretend that I don't know them.

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  7. I seriously needed to read this post!! Thanks for posting!! =0)

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  8. Such a great post. I find that I focus on the negative, how little time I have, how much needs to get done, and the stress piles on. If I just relax and do what I can, I feel a million times better.

    And yes, my hubby also enjoys the cold. He gets to keep my cold toes warm during those long winter nights.

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  9. Uh huh. so good. so true. Now if I could just keep DOING this relaxing and not focusing thing...

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  10. I think I may have just found my new mantra...

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  11. So true! So true! And those men walking around in white shirts with nametags on - I always invite them in. I love to discuss religion - their beliefs, my beliefs, how similar our values are - with just about anybody!

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  12. Well done and well said. Optimism, I love it. And focusing on the right things, productive things. I love it.

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  13. What a great post! Trying to stay positive; I love it.

    The word verification for this comment is "prayerfully!"

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  14. I so agree! Sometimes it's just hard to stop long enough to remember to relax!! It's easy to get on a roll when it comes to stress.

    And out of my four kids, only one was ALL natural. Go figure it was my baby who had her head plates fused together. Not sure I ever want to do it natural again! But i don't think I could have done it with my posterior boys. *shudder*

    You're so very brave.

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  15. Love "the whispered yell"!! So funny!

    But you're so smart, Charlotte. If I just calm down, they get calmer. If I think ahead and bring something, everything gets better. Their favorite thing to do on roadtrips now? Take videos of each other with whatever phone's available! Distract, breathe!

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  16. Distraction is almost as important to master as the whispered yell!

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  17. Greeting from Norway!!! Your husband is right:) Being married to a Norwegian (Im English) I had to learn that generally Norwegains dont get stressed, they see it as a waste of energy!! Favourite quote of my husbands instead of arguing a point - That is your opinion, this is my opinion, let agree to disagree!!!!argh!! Love you blog by the way it is so refreshing and hits a lot of home truths.

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  18. I am absolutely terrible at this. I need to work on it in a big bad way. I don't even have kids and I certainly wouldn't have been able to calm down 4 of them anywhere. There's a reason I don't babysit LOL!

    Thanks for the reminder.

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  19. came over from MMB. Great post. You're right- worrying just makes you and everyone around you even more stressed out. I say have a fro yo and don't think (about anything) until the last spoonful.

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  20. Muscle cramps tend to run in my family. My dad took a few ambulance trips when they were really bad. My leg cramps used to get so bad I thought I would die. Then, I learned to relax. I would start with the opposite end of my body and say aloud, "Head relax; neck relax; arms relax." When I got to my legs, the rest of my body was so relaxed that my legs automatically relaxed. It's really a cute trick, actually. It doesn't work EVERY time, but probably 90 percent of the time the technique is successful. Relaxation is really an art.
    LaurieBee

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  21. Wise words, from a wise, wonderful woman! I needed this reminder today. I'm not very good at it.

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  22. Yes. When people ask "how do you do it?" I always just shrug and answer, "You just do"

    Perspective is SO important. Love this post.

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  23. That was really an excellent post, Charlotte. It gave me some good food for thought.

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  24. Great post. And by the way I know about the big tough Scandinavian missionary thing, lol. The husband served in Denmark.

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  25. I love this one. I think it will be one that I come back to for inspiration again and again. Thanks.

    **6 kids & only 1 epidural? you are freakin' amazing!

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  26. High five for you! And what is up with that crazy store design. Which store was it? So weird! Keep chillaxin!

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