For the Laundry Impaired

Once again it has been over a week since I did laundry. OK, a week and a half. 5 days is still considered half a week, right? If you are equally nonproficient, you might enjoy my laundry guidelines and expectations:

1. The person in charge of laundry should always own at least one less pair of underwear than the rest of the household.



2. If your children fold their own laundry, expect 75% to go directly into the dirty clothes hamper. That explains why, after putting 8 pair of underwear and 5 pairs of socks into their folding pile, they claim to have no underwear or socks the very next morning.



3. On a related note, just after you put in your last load, expect your kids to magically find several hampers of dirty laundry they must have hidden somewhere under their bed or in their closets. If you carefully searched those places, expect to find out your husband forgot to clean out his suitcase until the evening after you're finished.



4. (My brother taught me this one, it has been invaluable when I have to gather my children's laundry) If you smell it twice, it's clean. This applies especially to socks and underwear. You must learn this because the other 25% of clothes you give your children to fold end up directly on their floor.



5. The only time you will splatter bleach is the time you risk it while wearing "good clothes".



6. Chances are very high your children will spill, wipe, or snort something onto your favorite pants/shirt right before you leave the house. If it is the last of your clean (and not out of style) pants/shirt, the probability rises to 99%. Just learn to leave the house a little dirty or out of style.



7. You should expect to loose 20% of all socks you wash. Combat this by only buying one type of sock per person, loosening your "that matches" standard, and making your family wear sandals whenever feasible. If you keep the lone socks for future matchmaking, expect to eventually fill an entire room.



8. Boys' idea of "clean" is not the same as yours. When they start wearing jackets, remember to check underneath the jacket.



9. Kids will eventually decide bedtime routines are easier if they dress over their pajamas (no need to interrupt what they're doing to change, just strip off the top layer). This can lead to very smelly PJ's. Watch for it.



10. Putting clean clothes on your bed because it will force you to sort it will not work, it will result in rolling a huge pile onto the floor come bedtime.



11. Do not start a load in a Hot Water cycle right before you get into the shower.



12. A 2 year old will open your dryer mid-cycle at least once per laundry day. Try to catch it within 5 hours.



13. Can't find a clean towel? Check the dryer (hope you don't need to check the washer).



14. If, when you sort laundry, any children only have one pair of underwear, make them bathe immediately.



15. If they claim (and it can be substantiated) that they have bathed and/or showered recently, try not to gag when you explain they can NOT put back on the same underwear. Try to emphasize that, unlike T-shirts or dress up, it is wrong to have a favorite pair of underwear.

That being said can I tell you the part I *gasp* like about laundry? I like watching the huge, room usurping pile of dirty laundry get neatly sorted into baskets (whites, lights, darks, reds, jeans, and towels in my house). I like re-stacking the empty baskets as I put each load into the washing machine. I like watching the now huge, room usurping pile of clean clothes get sorted neatly into 8 baskets (one for each family member). I like to make order out of the chaos. Then I ignore that laundry exists until it is a huge chaotic mess again.